It’s not that I don’t like Louis; it’s that I actively hate him with every fibre of my being.
So when Jonny shows up at my front door presenting me with the oversized rat like a consolation prize, I politely decline.
“You’ve got to! I’m meeting Krzysztof for dinner in twenty minutes, and no one else will take him!”
“What about Colin?”
“Tuesday nights are Jazzercise nights, you know that!”
“I’m not watching that thing just so you can make eyes at Krzys-Pen all night.”
I cross my arms and lean into the doorway. “Nope.”
Jonny deflates with a sigh, and the rat begins to struggle in his outstretched hands. I smile. Oh, I’ve got you, Jonny Greenwood. I’ve got you good.
“All right,” he concedes. “All right. I’ll— I’ll let you use that chord progression I wrote.”
“All two of the chords? In succession?”
Jonny nods, head hung low. “Yes. Anything. Take them, take all the chords you want, I don’t even care anymore.”
I grin. The intro to the new Atoms For Peace record is going to be sick.
“I accept the terms of this arrangement, sordid though it may be,” I tell him. “Give it here.”
“I— I think it’s best if you— if you don’t touch—”
I reach out for what seems to constitute a dog in Jonny’s reality, and it opens its mouth and lets out a screech that sounds like Satan possessed a velociraptor.
I draw my beautiful hands back against my manly chest. “Yeah, I’m good with that.”
“Ohmygodthankyou,” breathes Jonny. He places the thing down on the welcome mat (“THOM YORKE DOESN’T LIVE HERE PLEASE GO AWAY NO REALLY HE DOESN’T SERIOUSLY DON’T KNOCK AND COME IN AND LET ME SHOW YOU MY COLLECTION OF NOVELTY WIGGLE WORMS THAT’S THE LAST THING THOM YORKE WANTS OR AT LEAST IT WOULD BE IF THOM YORKE LIVED HERE BUT I DON’T”) and it runs between my legs and into the living room.
When I turn back to face Jonny, he’s speeding out of the gravel drive in his Audi TT.
I shake my head. Mm-mmh! There goes a beautiful man.
I hear something crash in the kitchen. I slam the door and reel upon the bed I’ve made for myself. “…and how can such a BEAUTIFUL MAN,” I yell, “have such an UGLY fucking DOG.”
Distantly, I hear the demonized dinosaur let out a war cry.
This will take courage.